My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
