Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
