Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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