Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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