I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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