god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
