i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
