it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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