Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
