Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
