At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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