I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
from now on my penis is your penis
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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