I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
