I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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