life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
