her vagina looked like bernie madoff
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
