Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
