I just pynch a tree in the face
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
