1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
