hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
