just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
