Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
