I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
