it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Someone signed my nipple.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
