We're like a lot better than the average bears
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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