every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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