My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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