No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize