I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
