Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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