Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
