I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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