I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
