If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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