we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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