I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Everyone says I win the strip club
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
