dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
