Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
