Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
