Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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