i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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