Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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