dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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