paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
