I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
