cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
