Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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