just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
