Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize