Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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