dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
