Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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