Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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