i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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