I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
