I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My cat gives me a boner
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
