Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
