sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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