a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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