i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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