When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
