All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
